The F Word....

Well today I turn Forty. Yes, that's right, the big F word - 4 0.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't spent some time wallowing in that fact. I've sulked at the realisation that I've done nothing remarkable with my life so far.

When I was younger I had such grand plans, a huge list of things I was going to achieve. So far, there's hardly anything crossed off it.

Now don't get me wrong, my life is great. Like everyone I've had my tough times, but overall I've been very lucky. But it's time to get my butt off the couch and start living life.

So I figure it's time to do a new list, all the things I want to do. From the small, trivial things to the huge, world look at me things. I'm going to write them down and do them, not just cruise along as life passes me by like I have been.

While to me turning 40 isn't a big deal, it's just another age marked off on the calendar, it has given me a little kick along. The motivation to start living life to the fullest.

So look out world, I'm coming to get you....

Just Saying....Asshole

Just because you have an asshole, it doesn't mean you have to be one....

Sleep

I always have the best intentions of going to bed early, or at least at a half decent hour. But then something happens and it's midnight before I know it.

Basically, damn you books, movies, TV and the internet....

Just Saying....Heart

The choices your heart makes are the ones that hurt the most....

Don't judge a book by it's cover

I'm not the pretty one.

I'm not the popular one, the sexy one.

But don't judge me by the way that I look.

Because....

I'm the smart one.

I'm the funny one, the clumsy one.

I'll always be there....

To bounce ideas off when you need advice.

To say or do funny stuff when you need to laugh.

I'm the trust worthy one.

I'm the loyal one, the reliable one.

I'll pick you up and dust you off when you've been knocked down.

So maybe instead of looking through me, I deserve a second glance....

Father's Day

Tomorrow is Father's Day. Normally I'm into the whole thing, but this year is different. This is the first Father's Day since my Dad passed away last November.

There's been no card hunting (looking for the funniest card I can find) or plan for an early morning phone call to wish him happy Father's Day.

The build up to Father's Day has made me sad and drove home to me how much I miss my Dad.

So this Father's Day I will think about all the awesome times I had with him and how lucky I was to have him in my life.

Happy Father's to all the Dad's out there....

Just Saying....

If you shit on other people's hopes and dreams it just means you're a shitty person....

Sunday: the Plan v The Reality

Sunday

The Plan:
Wake up early.
Go shopping and buy some cleaning supplies.
Have a cleaning marathon to clean the house.
Start sorting through my stuff and dividing it into - Keep/Sell/Donate/Throw Away.
Do my tax.


The Reality:
Wake up at 10am.
Laze around in bed until midday.
Go shopping and buy some cleaning supplies.
Make lunch.
Go on the internet.

Well at least I brought the cleaning supplies....

Just Saying....

It doesn't matter how long or short your journey is going to be, it all begins with the first step....

Family and Friends

My mum had this habit of telling the same story 100 times, especially as she got older.

Now that she is no longer with us, I would give anything to hear each of those stories that 101st time.

Appreciate the people in your life that you care about because they won't be with you forever and when they're gone they will take a piece of you with them that you can never get back.

Lessons Learnt

Nothing can break your heart and your spirit like feeling unwanted, make you feel more alone than thinking you are unloved.

Don't let the people you care about forget how important they are.

Lessons learnt....

This week has taught me some lessons, the kind that only life can teach you.

I don't always have to be strong, the tough one who stays together.

It's not a sign of weakness to embrace my vulnerability, to allow myself to grieve, to show my pain.

Tears aren't something to be ashamed of, they show our joy, our sadness and the depth of our love.

Yes, this week has taught me a lot of lessons about myself and who I thought I was.

Mental illness

Mental illness is something that needs to be talked about more. There still seems to be huge stigma attached to it and I think with information comes understanding and acceptance.

The more we know, the more we can remove the mystery and see that in the majority of cases, sufferers are just people who, while needing a little extra support, just want to be treated like everyone else.

The toll on the family and friends of someone suffering from a mental illness can be huge. By engaging in conversation, we can also help lift the burden on these people.

I think by opening up and sharing our stories, we can change perceptions and help remove the prejudices that exist.

Other peoples opinion

For too long I've let other peoples negative opinion of me influence my own self image.

I've slowly realised, fuck that shit, I'm awesome....

Sometimes....

The majority of the time I'm an optomistic, happy person who loves a good laugh and hardly ever acts her age. But sometimes, just sometimes this couldn't be further from the truth.

Sometimes I sink into a funk, a darkness that wraps itself around me and consumes me. It can last anywhere from a few hours to a couple of days, rarely any longer than that.

During these times I'm filled with self doubt and all the negatives. I'm ugly, stupid, unloveable and I feel so completely alone. My self esteem and confidence take a big hit and I doubt everything I do and everything I am.

No one knows I go through this, not even my partner. I've never been good at talking about my feelings and I must admit to some embarrassement and maybe even a little shame. One day I hope I can open up about it, but not just yet. For now, this post will have to do.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me though, all in all I consider myself lucky. I know people who have these thoughts and feelings every minute of every day. Their lives are a constant battle agaisnt the demons that haunt them.

So, if you're struggling I hope you can find the strength to reach out to someone. And if you think someone you care about is stuggling, be there for them. If they know that you're there, it will make all the difference.

Turning 40

So I’m turning 40 this year. 

As I like to be prepared, I think I’ll start planning now for my midlife crisis….

Difference of opinions

Just because you disagree with someone's opinion, it doesn't mean you should engage in a personal attack on them.

Put forward your view and reasoning for why you think they're wrong and discuss.

Be respectful and open to debate because you never know, you might learn something new.

What I Am

I know what I am and what I am not - now I just have to accept it and learn to love myself regardless….

You are all amazing….

If you’ve ever been bullied or picked on for your differences, whether it be because those people thought you were too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too smart or not smart enough. Maybe it was because of the colour of your skin, your religious beliefs or your sexual orientation. Well, I want you to remember the irrefutable fact that you are an individual and you are amazing.

More often than not, these so called “people” are afraid or jealous of what sets you apart. Maybe they are intimidated by how smart or creative you are. Maybe they are jealous of your home life, the fact that your parents pay attention to you, nurture you. Whatever it is, it is their issue. In most cases, it has nothing to do with you, it is them projecting their own issues onto you in a negative way.

So if you are feeling alone, disheartened and you don’t think you can go on, just remember that you are you and you were made just the way you were supposed to be. Your differences are what sets you apart from everyone else and they are what make you special. You are NOT defective, you are NOT alone, you are NOT worthless, you are a valued member of this world and no matter what, even though sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, there is always someone looking out for you – we are all looking out for you.

So, if you need someone to talk to, to vent to, someone’s shoulder to cry on, don’t feel embarrassed or that you aren’t worth it. Just hold out your hand and someone will take it and hold on tight.

Underestimated

All my life people have underestimated me, written me off and ignored me. Whether it’s because of my shyness or the way that I look, or my tendency to use humour as a defence, I don’t know. 

But then, when I feel brave enough to speak and they listen to what I have to say they see who I really am and I blow them away.

Just Saying....

Never think so little of yourself that you give parts of yourself away for free.

Labels

When it comes to sexual preference, sexuality, some people are determined to use labels.

Label everything and put it into a neat little box. Gay/straight/bi, butch/femme, top/bottom. Well as far as I can see, if you put everything into a neat little box, all you get is boxed in.

We are all just people - with similarities, with differences. Why can't we just enjoy our similarities and accept our differences and move along?

So I'm a Lesbian

Yes, I’m a lesbian, but that should only matter to you if:

a) you want to ask me out on a date, or

b) you want to set me up with your sister.

Internet Friends

I don’t know what the big deal is with people having “internet friends”. In the days before computers and the internet they used to be called “pen friends”.

The principle is basically the same, you’ll probably never actual meet them face to face, but you communicate via the written word (and in this day and age, via video and web cams).

The only real difference is that communication is more instantaneous than the days of the snail mail letters sent to each other.