It's easy....

It's easy to lose yourself.

Get lost in your negatives until you're bobbing up and down in a sea of self hate.

All you see is the bad things, both true and imagined, you're:

Dumb.

Ugly.

Fat.

Lazy.

Invisible.

Worthless....and the list is endless.

If you're lucky you'll escape this place you're found yourself in. If you're not, the darkness will linger....

It doesn't discriminate, striking people of all shapes and sizes - from all walks of life.

People try to understand, try to help.

Others would prefer to run a mile than acknowledge there's such a thing. If they ignore it, it'll go away.

In the meantime people continue to struggle, kicking and screaming their way back to the light.

Asking for help is not an easy thing. The stigma and fear associated with mental illness means that for some, they will surrender and be lost to us.

Mental illness is real.

We need to admit that and start doing something about it rather than sticking our heads in the sand.

Never have

When you want something you know you'll never have.

Even if you can accept that's the way life will be.

It doesn't take away the ache you feel knowing it will never be yours.

Some anniversaries suck....

Today marks the 12 month "anniversary" of my mum passing. Her death was sudden and is something that I don't think I'll ever get over.

Mum's best friend described her as a very wise woman, and she was. Wise, funny and the best mother that a child could ever have - the three of us were very lucky to have her.

She loved my sister, brother and I with all her heart. No matter what, she was supportive of who we are and what we each did with our lives.

Mum never interfered or tried to tell us what to do, all she wanted was for us to be happy.

So I'm going to live my life in honour of her. I'm going to be the good person that she raised me to be, and I'm going to be happy....

Bucket List: Karaoke

I've recently started compiling a bucket list. A list of all the things I've always wanted to do, but haven't gotten around to yet.

One of the items on the list is to sing karaoke.

Last night I went out with some friends to a karaoke night being held by a women's social group (a.k.a. a lesbian group).

I went there with no plans to sing, but later in the evening one of my friends jokingly said we should sing Salt-N-Pepa's - Push It. I jokingly said yes and the next thing I know she's submitted us and we're being called up on stage.

Once upon a time I would have ran for the hills, but with my new attitude to life I decided to embrace it and go for it.

Now we both admitted afterwards that our performance was pretty bad, but the crowd seemed to like it so we were pretty damn happy with ourselves thank you very much.

I had so much fun, I might just sing karaoke again....consider yourself warned!!

I'll Never Be....

I'll never be good enough, but it doesn't mean I'll stop trying....

My Heart....

The problem is convincing my heart to let go of the one that doesn't love it, with the hope of meeting the one that does.

2013 - My Year....

To say that the last 18 months have been pretty sucky is an understatement. My dad passed away towards the end of 2011 and my mum died last year.

The loss of my parents kicked off a chain reaction for me. I've re-evaluated my life and found that I wasn't living the life I wanted. I've made some huge life decisions and now find myself single and ready to live life to the fullest.

I'm going to start doing things I've always wanted to do, go places, experience things. Basically, I'm determined that this year is going to be my year.

To kick things off I'm going to start getting myself healthier. It's time to lose weight, get fitter and live a healthier, more active lifestyle.

So get ready 2013, here I come....

The F Word....

Well today I turn Forty. Yes, that's right, the big F word - 4 0.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't spent some time wallowing in that fact. I've sulked at the realisation that I've done nothing remarkable with my life so far.

When I was younger I had such grand plans, a huge list of things I was going to achieve. So far, there's hardly anything crossed off it.

Now don't get me wrong, my life is great. Like everyone I've had my tough times, but overall I've been very lucky. But it's time to get my butt off the couch and start living life.

So I figure it's time to do a new list, all the things I want to do. From the small, trivial things to the huge, world look at me things. I'm going to write them down and do them, not just cruise along as life passes me by like I have been.

While to me turning 40 isn't a big deal, it's just another age marked off on the calendar, it has given me a little kick along. The motivation to start living life to the fullest.

So look out world, I'm coming to get you....

Don't judge a book by it's cover

I'm not the pretty one.

I'm not the popular one, the sexy one.

But don't judge me by the way that I look.

Because....

I'm the smart one.

I'm the funny one, the clumsy one.

I'll always be there....

To bounce ideas off when you need advice.

To say or do funny stuff when you need to laugh.

I'm the trust worthy one.

I'm the loyal one, the reliable one.

I'll pick you up and dust you off when you've been knocked down.

So maybe instead of looking through me, I deserve a second glance....

Father's Day

Tomorrow is Father's Day. Normally I'm into the whole thing, but this year is different. This is the first Father's Day since my Dad passed away last November.

There's been no card hunting (looking for the funniest card I can find) or plan for an early morning phone call to wish him happy Father's Day.

The build up to Father's Day has made me sad and drove home to me how much I miss my Dad.

So this Father's Day I will think about all the awesome times I had with him and how lucky I was to have him in my life.

Happy Father's to all the Dad's out there....

Family and Friends

My mum had this habit of telling the same story 100 times, especially as she got older.

Now that she is no longer with us, I would give anything to hear each of those stories that 101st time.

Appreciate the people in your life that you care about because they won't be with you forever and when they're gone they will take a piece of you with them that you can never get back.

Lessons Learnt

Nothing can break your heart and your spirit like feeling unwanted, make you feel more alone than thinking you are unloved.

Don't let the people you care about forget how important they are.

Lessons learnt....

This week has taught me some lessons, the kind that only life can teach you.

I don't always have to be strong, the tough one who stays together.

It's not a sign of weakness to embrace my vulnerability, to allow myself to grieve, to show my pain.

Tears aren't something to be ashamed of, they show our joy, our sadness and the depth of our love.

Yes, this week has taught me a lot of lessons about myself and who I thought I was.

Other peoples opinion

For too long I've let other peoples negative opinion of me influence my own self image.

I've slowly realised, fuck that shit, I'm awesome....

Sometimes....

The majority of the time I'm an optomistic, happy person who loves a good laugh and hardly ever acts her age. But sometimes, just sometimes this couldn't be further from the truth.

Sometimes I sink into a funk, a darkness that wraps itself around me and consumes me. It can last anywhere from a few hours to a couple of days, rarely any longer than that.

During these times I'm filled with self doubt and all the negatives. I'm ugly, stupid, unloveable and I feel so completely alone. My self esteem and confidence take a big hit and I doubt everything I do and everything I am.

No one knows I go through this, not even my partner. I've never been good at talking about my feelings and I must admit to some embarrassement and maybe even a little shame. One day I hope I can open up about it, but not just yet. For now, this post will have to do.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me though, all in all I consider myself lucky. I know people who have these thoughts and feelings every minute of every day. Their lives are a constant battle agaisnt the demons that haunt them.

So, if you're struggling I hope you can find the strength to reach out to someone. And if you think someone you care about is stuggling, be there for them. If they know that you're there, it will make all the difference.

Turning 40

So I’m turning 40 this year. 

As I like to be prepared, I think I’ll start planning now for my midlife crisis….

What I Am

I know what I am and what I am not - now I just have to accept it and learn to love myself regardless….

Underestimated

All my life people have underestimated me, written me off and ignored me. Whether it’s because of my shyness or the way that I look, or my tendency to use humour as a defence, I don’t know. 

But then, when I feel brave enough to speak and they listen to what I have to say they see who I really am and I blow them away.

So I'm a Lesbian

Yes, I’m a lesbian, but that should only matter to you if:

a) you want to ask me out on a date, or

b) you want to set me up with your sister.